I'm not where I wanna be, but I'm not where I used to be, and that's good enough for me.
The apartment hunt is going well- My ProMove guy is on his stuff. Saturday after field service (got a date w/ my old group- don't tell nobody, we don't like to be separated) has been devoted to trying to find somewhere to live. I really want to live in Fernwood right off of Northside Drive...we'll see how that goes.
I miss HIM2... a lot. But it is refreshing for me to know that HE is doing what he needs to do to be the man that he wants to be. Even though our story didn't end the way that we thought it would, I think he'll be a better man for my presence in his life; and that's all that matters. I just think about how weird it would be to walk into a Kingdom Hall one day and see HIM2 there....
I miss HIM1, too, but in a completely different way. I miss the friendship that we had... the "I can call you when no one else understands me that is simply not there anymore. It has been said that "People walk into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." I believe that we were a part of each other's life for a season, and I'm relatively sure that season is drawing to a close. I refuse to cry over spilled milk... I'm not sure if my relationship with him created issues for me, or just brought issues that I already had up to the surface. Either way, I will be a better woman once I confront them head on.
In both situations... I am confident that both men are better people now than they were before L.C.... I just have to be resolved to be a better woman.
I am embracing my "renovated" life plan. I think a lot of my friends and family felt like I was saying that I didn't want to be single---> which is true. But I can live with that, if that's what Jehovah has in store for me. What I was really saying is that I don't want to be single like this, AT ALL. (Living @ home w/ people whose lifestyle conflicts with mine, running 24/7 with no opportunities for Chanee time) If I'm going to be single, & serve Jah (and it looks like I will be for quite awhile, as I have at least two broken hearts that I need to get over; thanks to HIM1 & subsequently, HIM2), I have to do so in an environment that allows for me to recharge--- this is not it!
My new lifeplan will hardly be as "easy" or as "productive" as many view my current life, but I will be doing what Jehovah REALLY wants for me, which is what matters.
I keep hearing--> "but you'll have to work to support yourself" and "money stress might be an issue"....SO WHAT?! Isn't that life? There is a certain satisfaction that comes from "having your own" and "taking care of you" that I think I need in my life right now. I'm ready to stand on my own two feet, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I think I've been depending on other people (that are not quite strong enough themselves) for too long...and that's not helping either of us! In each aspect of my life, I can see how me moving out on my own will benefit not just me, but someone else. I hope that all of my family and friends who are worried about me will turn that worry into constructive action.
What is your concern? How can I address it? Ask how can you HELP. That's the question I need to hear right now, that will assure me of your love, and concern. I know my family loves me... but sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Call it cliche, but I NEED LOVE (because I feel that has been lacking....)
Worried about me spiritually? Send me WT articles, call me to discuss the text, let's study for the meeting together.
Worried about me physically? Work out with me, cook me healthy meals, encourage me to go to the doctor and get checked out.
Worried about me financially? Help me work out a budget, suggest ways to save, dang, pay a bill!
Worried about me emotionally? Listen to me when I talk, text me and ask me how I'm doing, hug me...
Worried about me mentally? Heck, me too--- I have no solutions to that one. Don't dont continue to contribute to the nervous breakdown while stressing me out even more. I need to get through the next two weeks (relatively) able to focus on Finals.
For the first time in my life, I'm taking care of my Coach & my Star Player (Jehovah & me), and it feels AMAZING. At the same time, I love each and every one of the people who have made me who I am today,. and I value your opinions. So keep 'em coming. A diamond is not created spontaneously. Rather, extreme amounts of pressure and heat create the most beautiful diamonds.
I hope it does you good to write about your feelings and plans. It usually does help. Please remember that no matter what, if you fail to please Jehovah,first he will not accept any other place in your life. What you are experiencing now, can either be a slight fender bender on the road to everlasting life or it can be a a tragic accident that leaves you paralyzed for life.You're the doctor and you get to decide.
ReplyDeleteI pledge my love, support and my many prayers in your behalf to Jehovah with strong outcries and tears.
Love Mom
It's great that you are feeling optimistic.
ReplyDeleteWay to go! Sleep is GREAT! I'll be glad whem I can get some.
I need to let you know how worried I am about you. Perhaps writing to you will give me some relief as well.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that you have decided that you know best how to order your life and that the people who love you and the God you dedicated your life to, do not have your best interests at heart. However, you are so WRONG! I love you so much!Most women don't know how close to death they often get during childbirth, but I do understand, yet I was then and am now, completely willing to undergo whatever is necessary to keep you safe. Nothing about how I feel about you has changed since that day. But I realize that it is no longer my choice to make and that you must make your own choices.I can not keep you safe.
As much as I would like to protect you , I know,no one can protect you from the consequences of your past, present or future actions.
What you already have, the love of a loyal and joyous biological and spiritual family could be traded for the temporary attention and affection of someone who is simply being used a tool of Satan.The course of conduct you are now on can undoubtedly lead you to a place that you do not have the ability to foresee.Because it's a trap.This temporary enjoyment of the flesh will fail to measure up to your expectations.It will cause you great harm and you will be in pain and so will all who love you.But you can't see that, because that's how traps work.The pain only starts after you get the bait.It's so sad that you have allowed your heart to be entrapped and let this push the love of Jehovah so far to the background.
I have been young and in love and I know that if you allow it you can make some really bad decisions.
I want to believe that you will make the right choices in the future but right now honestly I'm scared. I've been told to trust that I have raised you well and that everything will be okay. I know that it is safer to trust in Jehovah and then everything will be okay. I say this because I realize that the outcome of this situation may put great distance between us and I need to prepare my heart for that possibility.
This is a test of your loyalty to God. There is no confusion.There is only the conflict of flesh against spirit, right against wrong. You will have to choose to do God's will or your own.
Be assured of my unfailing love and continued support as you strive to regain your spiritual strength. Jehovah is trying so hard to get your attention and help you. I hope that you will be able to listen to him and keep yourself in his love.
Love always,
Mom
Well, it seems that you have made a choice.
ReplyDeleteToday I accept that you need to go. I accept that you don't want to be here.
Now what do I do?
What do you want me to do?How can I help you? Can I help you? I have nothing but questions now.
So there is no advice I can give you that you have not already heard.
I have accepted that you no longer look to me for guidance. But I will not stop being your mother and your friend. Let me know if I can help you and let me know if I can't. Don't let me hurt myself trying and please don't let me hurt you. I will be available, but I won't be able to pursue you. I am exhausted and sick so I'm not up to the chase at least right now.You know where I am and I'm always available. You are constantly in my prayers.
Love forever,
Mom